By Chris Wright

04/18/2011 Couples Who Criticize & Blame

New Solutions From the Paradigm of Conscious Relationships

By Chris Wright, M.A.
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

What is it like in a relationship to feel constantly criticized and blamed by your partner? How does it affect you, and ultimately the relationship? But then talk with someone from the other side -- how frustrating is it to live with someone you depend on who carelessly "messes everything up," who is inconsiderate and pushes all your buttons, or ignores your needs. Some partners have just shut down. They have given up criticizing anymore, but still "blame" the other in their heart. So what are you to do?

We all have an idea of what a "healthy" relationship would look like these days. But as a couple's therapist, I haven't found the current notions of a healthy relationship to be insightful or impactful enough to make much of a difference. So then what would transform such a relationship?

In the last few years a new paradigm has emerged in couples relationships. This new conscious approach to being in a committed relationship represents a complete shift in our orientation, the processes involved, and even the goals of our being together. And yet it offers a level of harmony, healing, passion and intimacy that many had hoped to sustain and deepen since their wedding day.

Interestingly, in a conscious relationship blame and criticism don't show up as in a typical relationship. In fact, the new understandings, tools, and frameworks couples use together actually serve to prevent an adversarial relationship in the first place. Sharing in this orientation and the tools involved, couples are able to keep their hearts open together as they safely navigate through difficulties and charged issues. In this first article we will examine these fundamental understandings and the dynamics they generate. Then in Part Two, we will examine new tools that facilitate this flow of harmonious interaction together in the face of conflict. Tools that transform the relationship into a vehicle for growing together -- expanding our selves, and healing our souls. A truly conscious relationship.

Pillar #1
People Are Different.
We Honor & Take Responsibility for Our Differences

So much of the tension that generates criticism and blame is from people's different psychological orientations to life. How each person goes about doing things, their pace, preoccupations, priorities, needs, expectations, insecurities, frustrations, and fears can be so radically different. Actually, those differences are what is appealing in a mate. They complement our personality and balance us. But they can also drive us nuts. One person wants a squeaky clean home; another could care less. Who is right? Sue says, "I go crazy when Tom doesn't pick up after himself!" Tom says, "Why can't she just lighten up. She nit-picks me about everything!" So how can they not "blame" each other?

It turns out that there is more going on here deep inside of each of us that explains these kinds of differences. People do have differing ways of experiencing reality -- completely different operating systems that generate their entire personality. Knowing these dynamics is important as they can transform how you relate to each other. They are clearly laid out, in an ancient system in sacred psychology called the Enneagram.

New to the West, the Enneagram identifies every aspect of your personality -- your natural gifts, your limitations, as well as your blinders. But its focus is much deeper than that. It actually shows you "why" you are that way. It reveals the underlying core need or fixation that determines for your type all of your behaviors, feelings, and thought patterns. Which will explain "why" you need the kitchen spotless. And why your partner always seems to leave a mess. For every conflict you encounter that generates criticism or blame, this system makes clear the deep-seated, often unconscious, operating system of inner pressures that propels each of you to be that way.

Having our underlying agendas exposed and on the table, so to speak, makes it much easier for a couple to consciously navigate differences that emerge. There is a deeper intuitive understanding of where each other is coming from when we behave or respond in strikingly different, dysfunctional, or conflicting ways. It allows you to step into her world, make sense of his actions and feelings, attitudes and beliefs. You can readily see the underlying compelling reason his inner pressures are expressed that way. And be just as aware and forthcoming of your own fixations (something which typically is missing). It then becomes easier to account for conflicting differences that emerge between you. And honor each other in a more harmonious process of resolving them.

Without this deeper understanding, we can't help but wonder, "What's wrong with you! Can't you see that . . ." Something that would be so obvious in your world. So we criticize and blame. But with the Enneagram you can see where your partner is coming from, "No wonder you do it that way," even as strange as it is to you. It becomes clear that in her world, this is a valid reality. All of the people of your partner's Enneagram type (a sizable number of people on the planet) tend to respond and feel the same way he does. In short, your reality is not the only reality. After all, there are some people who couldn't care less if the house is so clean.

This simply takes away your ability to be righteous -- that your priorities and way of doing things are right and hers are wrong. Not only are we different, but we are equally gripped by these different existential core needs. So it helps to understand what these needs are that compel your partner to feel that way, or act that way. And be self-aware of what your needs are and why it bothers you so much. The truth is, what your partner is doing doesn't bother everybody like that. There are even some Enneagram types who might find those very traits or behaviors appealing.

With the Enneagram, you are able to see these dynamics show up, and take personal responsibility for them when they generate conflict. Instead of criticizing and blaming, you understand what's happening. Each of you can see your part in it, and support each other to grow. This is very important for resolving conflict. Harmonizing our differences is based, on the one hand, on our ability to relate and attune to each other -- walk in each other's shoes. So you each feel heard and respected. And, on the other, how self-aware we are of our own inner dynamics that generate our fixated needs and expectations. The process is humbling. And healthy. Couples who are self-aware of their own patterns and can honor the other's inner experience do well in blending and growing together. There is no place for "blame" to show up. The process of working out differences is smoother. Expansive. Worthwhile. Couples who can only see the righteousness of their point of view have big difficulties.

The Enneagram not only shows you clearly your patterns and the underlying forces that generate them. It also provides each of you a road map for what you need to do to grow. This is usually where people have blinders. In some cases, thick blinders. What seems natural in your own world, can generate havoc for others. So it enables each of you to identify and take responsibility for dysfunctional aspects of your personality that show up. And shows you what you need to do to be healthier (so you're easier to live with!). Fortunately the Enneagram is simple, and easy to learn in an oral tradition. Once you learn the different types and their operating systems, you can apply the deep insights to everyone you know.

Pillar #2
Acknowledging Your Blinders --
Make it Safe to Grow Towards Wholeness

In a conscious relationship we recognize that our unconscious distorted structures will need to surface and dissolve in order to develop our true nature. It's a good thing. This is how we grow. Issues that arise between us simply show where each of us needs to grow to become whole. That's why we have a sensitive attitude together when our imbalances show up. They certainly are not something to "blame" or to criticize me for. You can see how important it is for each of us to feel safe in the process. Our attitude is: "I want to be healthier -- to be able to explore my blinders and dismantle these ego fixations. But these are fragile areas and require emotional safety to do so."

How safe is it in your relationship? In the midst of a charged conflict, is it safe for you to explore, own, and resolve your issues together? Because the relationship is a primary vehicle for working through these issues, we want to make the process safe and effective together. As a team, not as adversaries. So we can stay conscious and vulnerable together when our issues emerge to be worked through. Gaining these understandings and learning the tools that make the process secure is vital. You can't even blame anyone for being deficient in these skills and tools. Where would he or she have learned or developed them? They were not taught in school. They are just now coming into the culture. Fortunately, you can now learn these skills in seminars and courses, like with The Couples Course.

Certainly, without these understandings and effective tools, people tend to act out these tensions unconsciously. Which generates criticism or blame, tensions and emotional distance. Instead of feeling safe to open up and explore your issues together, you get defensive. The more defensive you get, the even more distance. How can people expect to open up andtruly grow closer this way? How can you stay open and vulnerable together, if you do not have safe tools and understandings for processing these issues?

Pillar #3
Understanding 90/10 Is Necessary for Preventing Projections --
The Tension That Generates My Upset Feelings Is Mine

We're seeing that what destroys our relationships is the inner emotional tensions and pressures that are triggered in each other. Understanding and getting a handle on the emotional dynamics of this process is essential to be able to transform the relationship. It goes like this: The way the brain is wired is that whenever someone does something that arouses distress, we blame the person who did it. "Of course you're thereason I am upset when I see the mess you made in the kitchen!" You're the cause of my distress. It's natural to feel that way. Someone does something that upsets us. That's how we usually perceive it. But it is misleading.

In a charged conflict, the velocity of tension you are feeling towards your partner -- your hurt feelings, resentment, fear -- is projection. Your partner has done something that has stimulated deep-seated, highly charged, repressed memories inside of you. So, of course, you feel uncomfortable. It's like people jostling up against your recent arm wound in a crowded subway. "Hey! Back off! What jerks!" But where is all that tension coming from? Are they responsible for that intensity? Yes, they did do something. And yet the other people on the subway that were jostled didn't get upset. What accounts for that level of pain you're feeling? Is it their fault you are so fragile and wounded?

Well, we all seem to be walking around emotionally fragile and wounded in certain areas. We have accumulated since birth a host of stressful scars as children growing up. How else do you account for the insecurities that show up deep inside your personality? All those buttons that get pushed? Those areas inside are not peaceful. When someone triggers them, it really hurts, or ticks you off. Or causes you to shut down, put up walls. It feels intolerable. "How could you . . ." "You're such a . . .!" Of course we blame the person who is triggering us. But the truth is we are simply projecting those earlier unresolved, highly-charged feelings from deep inside onto the person. We may have forgotten the original impact, but those unresolved feelings and unmet needs continue to churn deep inside at our core. No wonder we can't seem to relax. And why we overreact.

We call this concept the 90/10 Rule. When people do something that generates emotional tension inside -- 10% of the tension you are experiencing comes from what they did. Maybe they were insensitive, or rude, or offensive. But that 90% of the velocity of feelings coming up inside of you is from your past. They come from repressed, largely unconscious, unresolved emotions and insecurities you are carrying inside. Every charged conflict has a 90 and a 10. The current triggering event is referred to as the "10," and the unresolved portion it triggers deep inside of you, we call your "90's." We all are walking around with a lot of 90's. It's human. And they are the real source of our problems

Knowing this concept 90/10, there is no basis for blaming anyone who happens to "push your buttons." After all, the pain those buttons are linked to are not your partner's fault. If you did not have those insecurities or wounds and emotional needs, you wouldn't have had such a sensitive button in the first place. You'd be more resilient. In any case, those fragilities have been inside of you long before you met your partner. You brought those insecurities and unmet needs into the relationship. So, of course, you need to take 100% responsibility for the tensions and feelings that people generate within you when you are upset. It's not your partner's fault you are wounded and so sensitive. Each person has to own 100% of the tension they are feeling. Or learn the simple tools that enable you to do so. Mastering projection is one of the most important skills a couple, or a person, can learn.

"But what about my partner's part in all of this?" you say. "It's takes two to tango!" You're right. The appropriate response for your partner is, "I'm not responsible for all the unresolved feelings inside of you that are triggered, but I certainly am committed to feel responsive to having triggered them. Making the process safe together will enable me to discover and resolve my part in triggering you."

Recognizing the 90/10 dynamic can be so difficult for people. Particularly in the middle of a conflict. It "feels" so strongly that your partner is to blame for what she did. But you have to realize that if you did not have a 90 or insecurity around this issue, then a 10 would just be a 10. And you would not have lost your balance, your inner Center. After all, Saints don't lose their Center or close their hearts, even in the face of some heavy stuff thrown at them. It's the 90's that overshadow you. They are what make the problem so charged and difficult to talk about and resolve. Without all of that emotional static generated from our 90's, our issues are much easier to work through in a sensitive, rational, and honoring way.

Staying conscious as you process through conflict, each person owning their stuff, makes it so easy to be together. When you are triggered, you each own your tension. You protect each other as you process through it. The process tools enable you to do so. Cleanly. Because there is no blame, it is safe for each of you to stay open and vulnerable in working through the issues. Your partner can own his part in triggering your feelings, and grow from it. In the process you establish effective resolutions together so it doesn't keep happening. It is incredible how much this process can change the whole dynamic in a relationship. How open and safe you feel with each other as you share and heal your deepest issues together.

Pillar #4
Safe Processing --
We Express Tension Only in Safe, Positive Structures for Resolution

Even if it is natural to get stressed-out or triggered in our relationships, it's essential that we work through the emotional tension within positive, safe structures. No longer can we freely express our tensions onto others. Or the opposite -- shutting down and not talking to each other. We simply need to learn effective process tools. So whenever we feel irritable, stressed-out, or upset -- we readily move into a positive structured, process framework for resolving those toxic energies together.

Without these tools, our tensions affect everyone around us (just ask them!). Overtime, these stressful feelings can destroy the very thing we care most about -- our relationship and our children. Or they go inward and the inner tension affects our health and well-being. We cannot stay unconscious of how we deal with our inner tensions any longer. Fortunately these new process tools for safely resolving our frustrations and inner pressures together are easily learned with a skilled facilitator.

So what then are the tools? How can we safely interact around charged issues? Instead of criticizing, how can we give effective feedback or coaching? How can we discuss an emotionally charged issue safely when we are triggered? How do we ensure that each of us feels heard? How can we process upsets safely to resolution? What frameworks allow us to regress to the original repressed feelings and heal them? That's what we all need to learn in our relationships together.

If you're having difficulties in your relationships, call for a free telephone consultation.

Or for more information, call:

(703) 560-1520

Email: chriswright30@gmail.com

Read more details on a conscious relationship at www.pulsarnet.com/cw